“Why Do You Write?” “To Live.”

“I’m drunk on the soliloquies spun by my head,”
I exclaim to them – already a mistake –
“How much can you sell them for?” They probe, once again – this is not new for them.
“Not much – everything – a dream – a beginning.”
“A non-answer is all you can ever give,” they complain.
But what can I say to them?
How shall I explain?
That I do not create these verses
They create me –
Leaking from my being
Like shedded skin
Tender and fragile and breakable –
One could fracture them but with a touch –
They live within me
Breathing, respirating through me
Until its time for them to bleed free.

I cannot say these words to them
They would never understand –
I barely understand myself, after all –
So, I simply say, “My verses are not for sale.”
They make a face.
“Everything is for sale if you want to live,” they explain.
And they have hit the nail on the head
For, I, too, need to live
And so, I punch hollows
Under my bones
Compartmentalise the slices
Into little boxes
One with what is in demand
And the other reserved for self –
The latter, kept safe, until
The desperation truly hits –
As it often does when you are trying to live –
And then, I reach within myself
Into the deepest parts of my soul
Cut slivers off –
Put them on a shelf –
Still raw with agony, still burning like a storm –
And offer them up
For the world to judge and see
Yet, they scoff, “You are just living in a dream.”

Their words are true, I am drunk still
But, what can I do?
Words are my nectar
And I, an unrepentant child,
Under their influence
Without them, I am a mere canvas,
Unpainted, untouched
Still tainted
By the apathy of this world
Falling into its cruel hands –
That grab and tear me apart –
Without a break, tonguefirst
So, I still drink, heady with its effect
And I still write, for if I do not
My soul will turn to rot
Fettered to life
Condemned to die
Surviving, yet no more alive.

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Amian Bent

Amian Bent (she/her) is a writer and dreamer at heart. Though she has always been an avid writer, she only started writing seriously when she turned 17 and since then, her words have been flowing constantly. When not writing, she can be found kicking back with a book or taking walks on her terrace. A few of her works have been published by various publications such as The Afterpast Review, Milk & Cake Press, Papers Publishing, and Tabula Rasa Review.

www.paperspublishing.com/birthday-gifts

• “Why Do You Write?” “To Live.”