when i’m sad i think
about the first time we kissed
and i don’t mean the peck
on the lips
on the floor of the club
i mean the one behind closed doors
where my fingers turned numb
i think about how you dived in headfirst
with no fear of words like
‘i love you’
how scared i was of the confidence
you exuded
when my toes curled
sitting next to a girl
you were holding my hand
like you already knew
i was the one
i was stuck in between worlds
tapping circles into the surface
i stayed on the edge
and couldn’t say it back for lack
of sleep or courage
but i do
sometimes when i’m sad
i rub salt into that wound
and think how my parents would adore you
in another life maybe it wouldn’t be an issue
but i wouldn’t change this one for the universe
because when i miss you
i pull up your pictures on my phone
the ones i don’t post or show my friends
the ones of you laughing in my clothes
in my bed
in the jeans you borrowed because
we are roughly the same size
i mean, i have slightly bigger thighs
but in the photos of us
i don’t notice as much
my insecurities are diminished
because the light bouncing off your eyes
gleams brighter and bluer than the adriatic sea
and i have to blink to convince myself
i’m not in a dream
when i’m sad all i have to do is think about you
and suddenly i’m happy
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Niamh Griffiths (she/her) is a queer writer from South Wales. She predominantly writes poetry discussing topics of sexuality, mental health, and religion. Since graduating from her MA in Creative Writing she has been published in numerous online magazines and runs a poetry website showcasing her work. Alongside poetry, Niamh is currently working on a coming-of-age novel which she began during the MA. Find her on Instagram: @dungarees_and_poems_please.