She tells me the story of the cursed child. It’s about how the cursed child becomes the curse and she can’t do anything about it. He asks me if I remember what it felt like to love him. I am a casualty of the war I started. I tell her I’ve always been afraid. She asks me what I’m afraid of and I tell her I’m afraid of happiness, scared of being okay. I’ve never wanted to kill myself. I tell her that I’m the villain in every story. She asks me if it’s okay to be broken and I wish I could say no. I told her about the time I got lost at the age of six and I didn’t know if they’d want to find me. He tells me that love is vulnerable. I laugh and ask him if he loves his parents and he doesn’t know what to say. I talk about how I’ve never really wished for anything. I’m not alive, not anymore. I tell her that before something bad happens I’d like you to know that I’m a liar. I don’t talk to her anymore. He asks me to choose between death and happiness and I don’t know what to say. I tell him that the boon becomes a curse and he doesn’t understand. The thing is that if she were to call me today, I wouldn’t know what to say. I tell him he’s not ready for love. He asks me why and I don’t know how to explain it. On days I don’t want to kill myself, I am the child and on others I am the curse.
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Shivi Sharma (she/her) from Delhi, India is living under water (not rock, water). Partially because she likes to call herself spongebob or kiwi. Considering the fact that she’s a water sign, she thinks being one keeps you hydrated enough. She loves watching random TV shows on Netflix. You can find her being (in)sane @feralembers on Instagram where she occasionally posts her work (which is either all at once or after months).
I can recognize a lot of what this feels like. I’ve been a liar who disappears from people’s lives.